Dec 22, 2017
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all
through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The kids were passed out and mama was too
Which meant I had plenty of time for kung
fu.
I poured a BIG nightcap, and settled
into my chair
With visions of ninjas
slicing right through the air
Picked up the remote, flicked on the
TV
Grabbed an armful of random kung fu
DVDs
There was Five Deadly Venoms and
Liu’s Master Killer
King Boxer, Flying
Guillotine, all classics, no filler
As I
watched every fight scene I began to drink
faster,
and started to feel like a true
Drunken Master
Tore thru Shaolin Temple,
Deadly Duo and Butcher
Five Element
Ninjas then got Bruce in the picture
I
waved my arms ‘round, as my head felt much
lighter
Then struggled to count to Eight
Diagram Pole Fighter
Mad Monkey Kung Fu
was the next film on tap
And then
followed by Ninja in the Deadly Trap
I
giddily laughed at the ball crushing White
Lotus
And at least for the moment,
forgot all about POTUS
Then the Kid with
the Golden Arm flexed some muscle
My
Young Auntie and Five Shaolin Masters did
tussle
Shaolin vs Ninja, Warriors Two,
Masked Avengers
And I’m no longer sure
how much of this I’ll remember
When out on the lawn there arose such a
clatter,
I tripped over the dog to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, nearly threw up on the
sash.
When I held down my bile and
looked out o’er the snow
I smiled
briefly at the number of films left to go
When, what to my wondering eyes should
appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny
reindeer,
I shook my head hard and
fought off being sick
Stared down at my
drink and thought “That can’t be St. Nick.”
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name:
"Now! Bruce, now! Jackie now! Donnie and Jet,
On! Sammo, Don Wilson, and Chuck Norris, you bet!
Today we’ve got Adkins, Jai White & Cung Le
Lewis Tan, Amy Johnston, and Alain
Moussi
There’s Iko, Katrina, Tony Jaa on
the block
Ernie Reyes, Don Niam,
Jacobus, Taimak.
Jean Claude Van
Johnson, Daniel Wu swings his sword
Even
Iron Fist if you have to, so kung fu fans can’t be
bored
To the top of the porch! To the
top of the wall!
Gimme all that kung fu! To me, give it all!"
As I drew in my head, and was turning
around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a
bound:
He landed in stance brushed off
his red sweater
He said “Your kung fu
might be good … but Mine is better.”
He
peeled off a roundhouse that I ducked but just
barely
Then flipped over my head, and
double punched my back squarely
I
coughed up some blood then threw down my
glass
I can’t believe Santa's about to
kick my ass.
I channeled my Jackie and
broke out Drunken Monk
I bet I looked
awesome. Or maybe just drunk.
I bobbed
and I weaved as Nick drove in with his knee
I blocked it with my face and probably started to
pee
When I regained my senses, I avoided
a punch
Tried to hadoken, but just
upchucked my lunch.
Through bruised
bloody eyes, I saw my adversary
His
eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples: how merry,
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
He said “Your kung fu is garbage. But at least now you
know.
I’ll let you live this time but
I’ll be back in a year.
Maybe then
you’ll be ready and give me something to fear."
As I lay there in pain, trying hard not to
cry
He smiled at my weakness and gave a
wink of his eye
He had a broad face, and
a little round belly
That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:
He spoke no more words, but went straight to his work,
And fill'd all the stockings; then turn'd with a jerk,
And pressing his thumb to the side of his nose
He gave it a Bruce, and up the chimney he rose.
I looked up to my stocking and smiled thru the
pain
at a gift card for classes so that
I could go train:
As I slowly blacked
out, I heard the scrape of his sleigh
I
quietly whispered, Santa, you bastard you will rue this
day.
The next time I see you. I’ll be
lively and quick.
And I plan to make
very short work of Saint Nick.
I watched
him depart carried on Christmas magic.
What my kids will find tomorrow will be nothing short of
tragic
But I heard him exclaim, as Flags
of Iron unfurled—
Happy Christmas to all, Poison Clan Rocks the World!
We discuss, debate and dissect kung fu movies and martial arts cinema past, present, and future!
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YOUTUBE LINKS:
http://youtu.be/5zeRoGFft2s by Justin H @KingofKungFuAMP